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I can just tell that she is naked. She is bare footed and looks sexy. She opens the door wide and let me walk through. I walk to the kitchen and place the wine and flowers on the table.
We need to talk.
Before I could turn to face her, she locks her arms around my waist from the back. her warm body sends shivers all over my body.
We need to talk.
Tshepo and I need to talk.
I sigh before unwrapping her arms around me and turning to face her. I am taller than her and she is not wearing heels so I look down at her. she raises her head and give me a sweetest smile. She stands on her toes and plant her lips on mine. How do I refuse such a sweet kiss?
She kisses me with her hands on my waist. I receive her with my tongue. I close my eyes but can feel her hands untying her gown.
I thought was strong enough today to refuse this but the feeling is over powering me. With my tongue in her, I move my hands to her warm butt and the kisses get intenser.
‘I need to stop this’ I think to myself and move my hands to her shoulder to stop her.
“Babe, we need to talk,” I say after parting a kiss away. I stare into her bare breast and her smooth skin. Looking at her is hardening me even worse.
“Talk about?”
“Last night,” I say and she frowns. I know she is caught by surprise.
Last night shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have fallen for the temptation, but how was I to outstand it with her standing perfectly infront of me?
We shouldn’t have, but we did.
“What about last night?” she asked while wrapping the gown on her body.
“Tell me you won’t be mad at me,” I say and she gives me a questioning look.
“We shouldn’t have done what we did last night.”
She stares at me without saying anything. I can feel disappointment and fear in her. I don’t blame her, it is all my fault.
“Excuse me,” she says and disappears to her room. I want to follw her but I am worried that I might find her naked and I might lose my mind again. I also want to give her space. I am scared she might snap and ask me to leave. I led her on and decided to stop, that is unacceptable.
For the first time in my life I am helpless. Tshepo makes me sweat. I had always thought I have my head on but Tshepo weakens me. She has a softest spot in my heart and I know she is the one I want to be with at the end of the day.
She is everything perfect.
She is crazy and fun. She is matured and a great mother to Kgosi. I can only imagine that she can be a best mother to our children too. She has a beautiful heart and she doesn’t fake it. She is open minded about things and she claims to be a sex freak. What more do I need?
She walks back to the kitchen in a full gym kit. I want to ask but rather not. She looks pissed and angry.
“I am going for a walk,” she says while throwing her phone in a waist bag.
“Tshepo,” I say and she shakes her head.
“I will be back,” she says while walking to the door. She closes the door behind her and leave me standing in the middle of the kitchen.
I already know that we are no longer cooking. It is alright. I order chicken and salads; and wait for her to come back from her jog.
She only walks back to the house an hour later. She is sweating and breathing heavily when she arrives. That fucking turns me on, but I do not have to act on it.
She locks the door and walks to the bathroom.
We are not talking now, are we?
She shuts the door and I hear the key turn. She is mad. That makes her even more sexier.
“Tshepo, babe?” I call out from outside. I decide to camp outside the door until she comes out. Maybe she might answer to some of my questions.
“Tshepo, I am sorry,” I say and there is silence. I know how rejection feel likes. I never meant to hurt any of her feelings.
“For?” she asks.
“For leading you on last night and acting otherwise today,” I say and there is silence.
I am talking to myself.
“Please don’t break up with me. Please,” I say. I sound like a teenager right now. As much as she feels broken by rejection, I am worse and I can attest to that.
I wish I could look in her eyes and talk to her but she is shutting me off.
“Tshepo, can we talk about this when you are done?”
“Sure,” she softly says from behind the door and I go wait for her from the living room. Dinner is already set for the two of us.
I also hate being hopeless and I am hopeless right now.
Tshepo only walks to the living room in her gown. This time she has a set of pyjamas underneath the gown.
“Are you okay?” I ask while she settles on a couch across me.
“I am fine,” she says while grabbing a bowl of salad from the table.
“I am sorry about last night…it was a moment of weakness.”
“You should have just said so than have me think otherwise.”
“I still feel like we should do things right. I booked us with a youth pastor from church…for pre-marital counselling.”
I am worried by the look on her face. Why is she not pleased?
“I don’t need counselling.”
“It is just somethings we do in church before people get married. I want to marry you.”
“Can we put your church aside? Because I feel like you hide behind church so much…you are confusing me.”
“How so?”
“What kind of man prefers a non-penetrative kinda sex? I feel like you are hiding a lot from me and … I am losing the hope I had on us.”
“I told you that…”
“You didn’t tell me anything. You are just creating stories.”
“No, I am not creating stories.”
“Then tell me honestly why you were once On BDSM? What happened? What rought sex were you talking about? Look, I need to know because I commit myself for the rest of my life.”
“I understand….we just have to do things differently than the rest of the world. It is worth it, believe me.”
“It is deeper than the excuse you make about faith. I want to be sure of what I am getting into.”
“Hence the pre-marital counselling,” I say and she rolls her eyes.
“And what if we don’t get married?”
“It is still fine. Then I will know I tried…” I say and she digs in her plate of food.
I help her with the dishes before driving back to my flat.
If it was another day, I would be driving back to her house and fucking her damn right! But I want to marry her and I want to do it the right way.

Wednesday after work, Tshepo and I drive to church for a meeting with the youth pastor. I asked not to sit with my father. My woman is open minded about things and she might catch him by surprise. I also have something special for us afterwards.
I park next to the church offices, get out of the car and wait for Tshepo to get to my side. She is wearing a black high-waist pencil skirt and a cute blouse.
She looks like my wife.
I receive her hand and lead her to the youth Pastor’s office. He is already seated and waited for us.
This would bore me like it did with my ex-fiancee, but I am willing to go through this again with the right woman.
“So what do you guys expect from each other?” he asks after the formalities of introduction and explaining to us the purpose of this meeting.
“Love.” I say.
“I expect to be loved too.”
“Whatever we discuss here is confidential, so you can stop lying to me and tell me the truth. Stop telling me about respect, love and peace in our relationship…I want to know the truth,” he says and Tshepo giggles. She has a perfect smile that warms my heart.
“I expect to be swept off my feet and…I expect lots of love making,” Tshepo says and I smirk. Talk about a woman who speaks her truth.
“Have you slept together?” The pastor asks and Tshepo turns to me with her pink cheeks. She is blushing from the question.
“Once and we repent, right babe?” I say and turn to Tshepo. There is no need to lie about it.
“That was not sex,” she whispers and I laugh.
“It was,” I say and the Pastor clears his throat.
“I am glad you both repent against it.”
“I have a question Pastor. I am bothered by his past,” she says out of the blue. “I can mention this, can I? this is like therapy for relationships, right?”
“Yes, go ahead,” the Pastor says and I rest my back on the chair.
“His past bothers me and I am scared I might not be able to go through with the relationship,” she says. Outch!!!
“You can sell it.”
“Uhm…his sex preference is different from mine, that worried me again. During our discussions, he used to prefer BDSM…”
“What is that?” he asks.
“Bondage, discipline, dominance and submission….all those sorts of things. If he used to perform all of…what if I get into this marriage and he chooses to go back to those fantasies?” she asks and the Pastor clears his throat.
“What if you have faith in your partner’s repentance?” he asks.
“Look…I changed from all of that because it was contradicting with my faith. It was ruining my relationship with God.”
“It wasn’t your choice?”
“It was my choice.”
“But if it wasn’t for your faith, you’d still be preferring it that way, correct?”
“Yes, but God is in me. Stopping had to be my choice. It is a decision I took, myself, I wasn’t forced.”
“How am I to know what kind of a man I am marrying if we are not allowed to sleep together before marriage? What if we both get into this and it is not what I am expecting.”
“What are you expecting?” the Pastor interjects and we laugh. “I would say have faith in God.”
“Faith in God?” she asks with a frown.
I am losing this woman!!!
“Yes. How is your relationship with God?” he asks with his eyes on her.
“What is normal?”
“I believe in God…I love him and…yah.”
“You need to get deeper than that.”
He goes about explaining why sex before marriage is a sin before God and how sin pulls away from the presence of God. How sex is more spiritually than we think.
She is throwing questions after another. I understand her, honestly. Mostly with my past life, she needs to know and experience our love life for her to know she can stay. But I want us to do things the right way.
I am willing to let her go, which I honestly don’t want to, if we never get a common ground.
“What kind of a wife are you expecting?”
“Beautiful like her, supportive and who will help me get closer to God more,” I say and she smirks. I think I know what she is thinking. I know she is thinking why didn’t I just marry a woman from my church, with the same understanding and Christian background with me. I want Tshepo. She doesn’t know it yet but is the choosen one for me.
The Pastor asks to see us the following day. I think he just likes our funkiness and he enjoyed an open minded meeting than those he gets from the holier clients.
“Tshepo, I am not going to turn you into what you don’t want. As long as we respect each other and our decision.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“I don’t expect you to be a pastor’s wife…but as long as we find common ground somewhere.”
I want to kneel down on my feet and propose to her right now, but what if she says no? The small box in my pocket is poking me but fear is creeping in.
I thought the meeting was going to iron some issues, but it still kinda didn’t iron everything.
“I booked us a table for dinner so…”
“Babe…I need an early night,” she says.
“Just fifteen minutes,” I say. She just needs to get to the hotel and see the set-up, I will propose and she can go home.
It is too soon.
What if she turns me down?
It is too soon. But what is soon when you know what you are looking for? When you know what you are looking for and it is right there infront of you?
We get to her place. She kisses me on the cheeks and walks to her apartment.
This is confusing.
I was expecting it to be this tough, though. I have left women who didnt want to sleep with me, because ‘faith’. So I honestly understand.
‘I would like to cancel the reservation for Matthews and Tshepo. Please send me an invoice for the set-up and I will settle it tomorrow. I apologise for any inconvenience caused,” I send an email to the hotel that was hosting us.