Can I be honest?
I am worried about Tshepo and I. I am worried about our relationship. I am worried if Tshepo and I will survive this abstaining situation. It has been three months and I can already feel her drift away from me. I try my best to dine her always every week but sometimes she gives me excuses. I know she is making excuses because she moved back to her apartment without Kgosi. She has all the time to herself but sometimes she chooses not to see me.
Believe me, she doesn’t want me to be the man I used to be. I have outgrown all of that rubbish. I want to do things right and do her right by God. I don’t know if she wants to continue with me or what?
I gulp the mild coffee and place the cup into the dishwasher.
I moved to my new house. Every little detail in this house shouts ‘Tshepo’. She did an exceptional work with coordinating the furniture and the colours for everything in this house. She likes bright colours so my kitchen is almost yellow. She picked grey kitchen equipment that fitted well with the wall colours. I should say I am proud of her exceptional work.
I grab my laptop back and hurry to the office. It is a Saturday and I feel like taking out my stress on the overload of work. She cancelled on me once again.
It is just I in the office and I know I can get a lot of things done when it is this quiet. I drop my bag on the chair and grab a few sketches from the cupboard. I lay the designs on the table and start scruitinising them.
Do you know how I know I am in love with Tshepo?
She rings in my head when she isn’t supposed to. When I am in a meeting, discussing serious issues, her face just pops up and make my day.
Dear Lord! This woman doesn’t need me to go back to my old ways. I cannot be what I used to be with her. sex meant nothing to me. Sex was a sport and I am not proud to know that I broke so many hearts. I cannot go back there. She is special.
I remember the day she met my parents one Sunday afternoon. I liked how she openly told her how she wasn’t much of a church girl but willing to make it to church always because she knows it was a right thing to do. I am glad no one is commenting about Kgosi. They know not to mess with me. I want her with Kgosi and who ever doesn’t see it that way can go to hell.
I am worried these days though. She wasn’t happy when I told her that we cannot have sex. I could see disappointment in her face and that sickens me. Worse she openly tells me she is a sex freak. What does she know about sex freak? I have to teach her a thing or two.
How do we deal with this?
I am supposed to be working but here I am day dreaming about her. I pull my phone from the pocket and send her a WhatsApp.
Me: Hey, babe…how is your Saturday?
She doesn’t respond so I drop the phone on the table and get back to making corrections on the designs submitted by my team yesterday. I believe they did this in a rush because nothing is making sense. Their measurements are just a mess.
“I cannot work with this!!!” I think to myself as I shove one design into the bin. I think I am worked out by Tshepo more than I am by any of these designs. My phone pings on the table and I jump to open the text. It is a WhatsApp text.
Tshepo: Hey you!
Me: How is your Saturday?
Tshepo: A bit hectic. I am home to see Kgosi.
Me: How is he doing? Does the jeans suit him?
Tshepo: They suit him perfectly.
Me: What are you doing? Can we grab a quick supper later.
Tshepo: I don’t wanna promise. I have little work I need to handle when I leave my parents’ house. How about tomorrow after church…if I make it to church?
Me: Babe, are we good? Me and you?
Tshepo: I think we need to talk.
Tshepo: Maybe tomorrow if I can make it for lunch after church.
Tshepo: Mwhaaa! Talk to you later.
This sucks! She is cold towards me. Isn’t she? Our conversations are now a bit formal and boring. And what does she mean she wants to talk to me? Isn’t this a warning for a break-up?
I know I said “no” to sex but…I miss our crazy selves. We used to talk about all things and everything. Now she sounds uninterested. I shake the feeling out of my thoughts and place my phone back on the table.
Well, I have to have this work done!
I grab the next design and make the measurements on it before signing it off as perfect. Atleast there is something that looks promising out of all these five designs submitted. I spend a few hours aligning everything and drafting the project report.
I leave the office after six.
I pass by Pick n Pay for a few items to cook when I get to the house.
My house is big and lonely. Nothing like Tshepo’s apartment that I camped in for a few months. It is still an open but it is bigger than the apartment.
I throw the ready-to-eat meal into an oven and set a ten minute timer before rushing to take a quickest shower. I get into a boxer and a vest.
Life is boring these days.
I lie on the couch and scroll through the channels.
Tshepo’s imagine flashes in my mind and my dicks hardens. I honestly miss her presence. I pick the remote again and scroll through the channels until I end on a music channel. Atleast watching other people have fun might keep me company until the eight o’clock prayer time.
I swear I am not a prayer warrior like how my father is but I make sure that I don’t miss the family prayer.
I think these prayers works for me more than the ones I do when I am alone.
“Tonight’s prayer: Ask for God to enlighten your vision. Ephesians 1:18,” I read a message from my father.
“Ephisians 1:18…I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,” I whisper the verse while kneeling and getting ready to start my prayer.
An hour of prayer is nothing. My father can pray alone, for the whole night. I have never attempted to try that but he can.
I conclude my prayer minutes after my hour alarm went off.
Now I can drag my feet to bed. I have church tomorrow and Tshepo to dream about right now. I walk to the kitchen, switch off the kitchen light and grab a bottle of water to take with me to bed. I am walking to the passage when I hear a knock on the door. I walk to the kitchen door and peep on the hole to see who is behind it. I see two tubs of Haagen-Dazs ice cream instead.
I slowly open the door and Tshepo walks in with ice creams in hands.
“Only Andiccio was open,” she says while showing me the ice cream.
I am thrilled that she is here.
“I will get spoons…you can take a seat,” I say and she walks to the living room. I turn to watch her. She only has ice creams in hand and no handbag. She is wearing a jacket and fluffy boot sleepers. I want to ask her why she came so late but I am glad she came by and don’t want to upset her.
“Where you going to bed?” she asks while switching the TV back on. She tunes to Trace Africa.
I watch her from the living room. She looks too beautiful and sex appealing. She has her hair tied but there is something special about the way her hair is tied in that messy bun of hers.
I grab the dessert spoons and go join her.
“What a surprise,” I say and she smiles. “Thanks for coming. I was missing you.”
“Yeah…” she shlyly says and spoons an ice cream into her mouth. She licks her lips and I smile.
I let us eat ice cream before asking her what she meant about “we need to talk”. We are almost done when I finally asks.
Without saying anything, Tshepo stands from the couch. She stands infront of me and drop her jacket. I gaze my eyes on her. she is wearing a pink lingerie dress.
I gasp at the sight infront of me.
It is dark in the house but the light from the TV is enough for me to see her perfectly. She has perfect curves and full boobs. I am tempted to touch but what about our promise?
“Tshepo,” I whisper. “Please babe.”
“Please what?” she asks, sounding disappointed. I know I was supposed to jump at what is standing behind me, but….
She picks the remote and puts the television on MUTE. It is queit in the room and the pictures of the TV are flashing on her.
She is just perfect! Too perfect.
Without a warning she walks to me and sits on my lap.
“I can’t wait any longer,” she says with her eyes on me. The way she has her eyes deep in my eyes? Seems like she can see deep down my soul.
I want her.
I don’t want her to feel rejected. I don’t want to hurt her.
I also don’t want us to fall into a trap! Honestly.
“Tshepo, please, we spoke about this,” I say but I find myself rubbing my hands on her thighs.
I am glad she is still here. I am glad she still wants us to work but what about my request?
“About what?” she asks while bending her head to kiss me passionately.
Damn! I am a man. I am bound to feel what she is feeling! But we have got to wait a little longer.
“I want to be with you and I am ready for you,” she says. I want that too but also have to consider the promise I made to myself.
I stare into her eyes and see pleasure. She is burning deep down. She is yearning for me and it is a mutual feeling. I don’t want to mess this and at the same time I want to mess this.
She licks her lips and I feel blood rushing in my body. My cock hardens in my boxers. I know she can feel this.
“Babe,” I say and she stares into my heart.
“I want to marry you one day and I don’t want to mess this at all,” I say and she opens her mouth to say something but doesn’t.
“I want to be with you…you want to be with me…what is wrong with that?”
“Then what is the problem?” she asks. I can trace disappointment in her voice.
“I want us to do it right.”
“What is doing it right?” she asks.
“We need to marry first.”
She pulls herself from me and grabs her jacket from the floor. She is forcefully putting it on and I am turned on by her angry face. I want to make it up to her. I am tempted to show her what I am capable of.
God how do we do this? In my prayer tonight, I asked for a solution. I know God and my parents will be disappointed by my decision right now but what is wrong in getting what you want and what you deserve?
Tshepo is pissed. I don’t want to lose her. I stand while she puts her feet in her sleepers.
“Babe, please wait,” I say.
“What? I should have stayed home,” she says while buttoning her jacket. I take her hands and force her to look at me.
“I love you,” I say and she drops her head and eyes down. I lift her chin with my finger and she stares into my eyes. “I love you so fucken bad Tshepo. You cannot walk out of here.”
“I have to go,” she says in a sweetest voice. An appealing sexy voice and my cock hardens and presses to her. she gasps when I pull her closer to me. She is forcing me to do things that I didn’t think I would be doing.
“Promise to stay even after what we might be opening the door to do,” I say and she stares into my almost sleepy eyes.
“Uhm…what is that?” she asks.
“You want me…I am going to give you myself…are you going to stay?” I ask and she doesn’t respond. I want her to promise to stay after what she is hoping for me to do. I never wanted our relationship to be about sex but she is tempting me to something else. As long as she will stay.
“Do you promise to stay?” I ask.
“What is your problem? You can’t make love?” she asks.
“I might open up insecurities with what I might do. I wanted to marry you first so that you know that you are mine and mine alone.”
“I…I can…handle anything.”
I let go of her and walk around the room. I am not ready.
“Do you promise?” I ask and she nods.
“Yes, what is wrong?”
“My fantasies are…hectic.” I don’t want to scare her but she wants this and she is going to have this.
“I…I…prefer things differently.”
“How different? You can teach me and I can learn…I guess?” she says with concern in her face.
“See why I didn’t want to wait until marriage? I knew you were hiding something.”
“No…Don’t confuse any of these with my …fantasies. I wanted to do what is right. That is right before God’s eyes. It is that simple. We are not supposed to sleep together before marriage.”
“what are your fantasies?” she asks and I smile.
“Take off your dress,” I say and she widens her eyes. She wants to know and she has to know. “Take off that dress and lie on the floor.”
She hesitantly takes off her lingerie.
She wants this, she is getting this.
“Lie on your back and spread your legs,” I say and she nods hesitantly.
Tshepo! I wasn’t ready for this.
She slowly sits and then slowly lie on the carpet.
We didn’t have to do this today.
“Play with yourself,” I say and she frowns. I nod at her. She asked for my fantasies, didn’t she?
Let’s do this.
She gasps as she touches herself. I am getting hard at staring at the scene infront of me.
“Continue,” I say while kneeling next to her.
“Matt?” she asks as she continues to play her fingers all over her body with me watching and getting ready for action.